


Fix Me

by drunkoncoffee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Lack of Communication, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 12:52:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15641136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkoncoffee/pseuds/drunkoncoffee
Summary: Magnus had come to accept that the weather would predict how his days would go. He experienced heartbreak and loss on days where the sky stayed dark and gloomy and thunder rolled in the distance.So really, he should have been prepared for the worst when Alec showed up at his door, his hair dripping wet from the rain and the sound of thunder behind him.





	Fix Me

Magnus Bane was over 400 years old. He had lived through centuries of war and havoc. He had experienced pain, heartbreak, outstanding joy and more. He knew the world, all of its secrets and how to live on the safer side.

                

During his long life, he learned to not depend on anything. More specifically, any _one._ He became independent and lived his own life to the full. He never waited for others, just continued on his long journey alone, without serious attachments.

 

He knew he couldn’t depend on people. He knew they wouldn’t stick around until the end of the world with him. He could only depend on himself and the things he knew for sure about the world.

 

He knew that after every long week there would be two days to recharge and rest. He knew that when the sun set, the moon would come out and the stars would align to create patterns for him to trace in the dark night sky.

 

He also knew that he’d been around long enough of the earth to recognize him. When he would be having a particularly hard day or would have suffered a loss or heartache, the sky would turn a palette of orange and pink. He would sit out on his balcony, his face often wet with tears and a bottle of liquor in one hand to drown his sorrows. He would stare out across the city and watch the sun disappear behind the buildings.

 

Magnus had come to accept that the weather would predict how his days would go. As typical as it sounds, his happiest memories were on sunny days where a warm breeze would rustle through his hair. He experienced heartbreak and loss on days where the sky stayed dark and gloomy and thunder rolled in the distance. He found it comforting in a way that he was able to prepare himself for the day ahead.

 

So really, he should have been prepared for the worst when Alec showed up at his door, his hair dripping wet from the rain and the sound of thunder behind him.

 

***

 

_*3 days earlier*_

“Alexander, what a pleasant surprise,” Magnus greeted his boyfriend with a soft smile on his lips. Alec smiled in return and bent down to kiss him.

 

“I’m off duty so I thought I’d come see you,” he replied with a shy smile that made Magnus’ heart swell. Every time he thought he couldn’t fall more in love with this boy, he came out with something that proved him wrong.

 

“Well then,” Magnus took hold of his boyfriend’s hand,” You’d better come in”

 

He led them to the couch and conjured up some drinks for them. He took a sip and watched Alec, drinking in every detail from his soft, dark curls to the curve of his lips to the dark rune on his exposed, tempting neck. His calloused hands held his glass delicately in one and Magnus’ in the other. He subconsciously rubbed his thumb over the back of Magnus’ hand, tracing light patterns that made Magnus’ skin tingle.

 

Alec had a soft but tentative smile on his face, which Magnus adored, but as Alec turned to look at him, he noticed that he wasn’t entirely there. He had a distant look in his eyes that worried Magnus, his head immediately flooding with doubts and fears.

 

“Is everything alright Alexander?” he asked, though he feared the answer.

 

Alec seemed to rejoin him in the moment and squeezed his hand in what was probably meant to be a comforting gesture, but only furthered Magnus’ worry when a weak smile joined it.

 

He nodded. “Yeah, sorry I’m fine.”

 

Magnus turned to face him fully, “Alexander, what is it?” he asked gently.

 

Alec let out a sigh and closed his eyes briefly. It was now that Magnus noticed the dark circles beneath his eyes.

 

“The Institute recently uncovered an ancient book of spells, one used centuries ago by High Lords,” Alec began, his voice low and subtly laced with nerves, “We were able to translate most of it, but we came across a spell none of us had seen before.” Alec took a deep breath before continuing.

 

“It’s a memory erasure spell. It allows the taker to forget specific memories they’d rather not remember.”

 

Magnus was a bit surprised such a spell existed but failed to understand what it had to do with him.

 

“And would you like me to perform it? I don’t know if I would be powerful enough, but I could certainly try,” he began but Alec cut him off.

 

“No, no we’re not looking for you to perform it,” Alec looked at Magnus, a glimmer of hope in his eyes, “We thought you could use it for yourself, considering the memories the agony rune brought back. And because it was the Clave’s fault, they’d be more than willing…”

 

Alec’s words faded out as Magnus sat there, both anger and numbness washing over him. His mind was racing, his vision turning blurry.

 

“Magnus? Are you alright?” Alec’s voice broke through Magnus’ thoughts.

 

Magnus turned to face him, his face blank but his eyes threatening. “Why do you want me to use the spell? Are you hoping it’ll change the fact that I have a fucked up past?” he questioned, his tone scathing.

 

Alec looked shocked, opening and closing his mouth for a few moments before he rushed out a response.

 

“Magnus! No, of course not! We - well I -  just thought it would help, like maybe it could fix what happened.”

 

Those words tipped Magnus over the edge.

 

“You think I need to be fixed?” he spat. Alec’s eyes widened in fear but Magnus didn’t care. He stood up and paced for a moment before turning back to Alec.

 

“What? Am I not good enough for you?” he said, his voice raising, “Am I too damaged? Too broken? Do I have too much shit for you to deal with?”

 

Alec had tears in his eyes as he shook his head, desperately trying to get a word in but Magnus wouldn’t let him.

 

“My past is who I am, Alexander. I can’t change that and neither can you. No memory loss is going to take away the empty feeling inside of me from my past. No spell is going to magically make me okay and better, okay?” he lashed out.

 

Alec eventually found his voice and jumped in to diffuse the situation. “Magnus that’s not what I’m trying to do. I just thought we could fix this mess- “

 

At that Magnus exploded.

 

“You have this obsession with ‘fixing’ people, but you can’t _fix_ me! I’m not broken, don’t you understand?” Magnus’ voice trembled with emotion and tears stung his eyes but he continued, “This is _me._ Every horrible, awful _disgusting_ part. This is me and I can’t. Be. _Fixed_!”

 

Tears rolled down his face without mercy but Magnus was beyond caring. He looked at Alec fiercely, desperately trying to hold himself together.

 

Alec’s mouth hung open, his eyes wide with shock. When he recovered, he shook his head, taking a step towards Magnus.

 

“Magnus,” he said disbelievingly, taking Magnus’ hands into his own. Magnus, against his will, leaned into the touch.

 

“You’re perfect.”

 

As the words left Alec’s lips, Magnus felt himself grow cold. He drew his hands away from Alec sharply as if he had burned him.

 

His head was pounding and he felt his world around him start to shift. He met Alec’s eyes with a harsh gaze.

 

“Do not call me perfect, a lie is never a compliment,” he said lowly, his voice icy.

 

He clicked his fingers to open his front door.

 

“Get out.”

 

Alec looked at his in confusion, grief clouding his features, but Magnus didn’t care. He was tired of this, tired of this whole conversation.

 

“Magnus plea- “

 

“I said, “Magnus said, his voice devoid of emotion, “Get _. Out_.”

 

He turned his back on Alec and walked away. It was only when he heard the door click that he truly realized he was alone.

 

He took a seat on his couch, and drew his knees up, his arms wrapped around them, in a desperate attempt to hold himself together.

 

He body wracked with angry, tearless sobs, the weight of the recent events crushing down on him as if he couldn’t breathe.

 

He eventually fell asleep, his throat sore, his head numb, and his heart aching.

 

***

 

* _Present*_

Magnus knew he should close the door. He really did.

 

He knew he should close his in the man’s face, turn away and continue to wallow and put _him_ behind him.

 

He knew that they were over and that he needed time to heal. He knew his heart was broken and that it needed his care and attention.

 

He also knew that this certain dark-haired, hazel-eyed man was his weakness.

 

Magnus stood there in shock for a few moments, not really sure what to do.

 

But before he could decide, Alec pushed passed him and walked purposefully into his lounge.

 

“You know; I came here to apologize to you.” Alec’s voice rang through the air

 

“But then I realized, you don’t want me to say sorry.” He paced back and forth in Magnus’ lounge, wringing his hands together.

 

“You want me to admit that I’m wrong, you want me to confirm all those things you said about yourself.” Alec’s voice grew louder. “Well guess what? You’re getting your fucking wish.”

 

Magnus stood, speechlessly watching Alec’s anger grow.

 

“You’re right; you are a mess. You are a messed up person with a past so painful and convoluted that you repress all of it. You have more issues than one would even think possible.”

 

Alec ran his hands through his hair in frustration, tugging harshly on the ends.

 

“You flirt, you laugh, you use magic but at the end of the day, what do you risk? Nothing because you won’t let anyone even remotely near you, won’t let them even attempt to try to get to know you. You don’t think you’re fucking worth it; you don’t believe that you deserve to have people who love you, who want to help you.”

 

“You are a fucking wreck!” Alec said quietly, taking Magnus’ hand, “And I love you for it.”

 

Magnus’ breath caught in his throat, staring at Alec, the man’s eyes filled with emotion and brimming with tears.

 

“You are an erratic, damaged and insecure mess,” Alec squeezed Magnus’ hand, as if afraid Magnus would run.

 

“And I love you for it.”

 

Tears rolled down his face but Alec made no attempt to wipe them away. The raw emotion visible on his face stirred something in Magnus.

 

Alec took a step closer to Magnus, their breaths now mingling. He pressed his forehead against Magnus’ and closed his eyes.

 

“Magnus, I don’t want to change your past. I don’t want you to change at all,” he took a deep breath, “I know you have baggage, more than almost anyone else, but I’m here for you, through thick and thin.”

 

Tears rolled down Magnus’ face at Alec’s words and he squeezed his hand tighter.

 

“I’m not going away anytime soon,” Alec continued. “Whatever shit we have to go through and work out, I’m here for it. We’re not perfect, nowhere near it in fact. But I love you, more than I’ve loved anyone. And I’m not willing to lose you.”

 

Magnus couldn’t take it anymore, he placed his hand on the back of Alec’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss, raw and full of passion. Their tears mixed as the kissed, each ounce of love and desperation being poured into it. Alec’s hands found their way to Magnus’ hips and he pulled him impossibly closer.

 

They eventually pulled apart, but stayed embraced in each other’s arms. Magnus rested his hand on Alec’s chest, both clinging to each other as they were their lifelines.

 

They knew they had things to talk about, hard conversations lay ahead and difficult decisions had to be made.

 

But all of that could wait for another time. Right now they just need each other, to hold and to love, whispering apologies and ‘I love yous’.

 

Neither of them believed they or their relationship was perfect. They both knew they had their demons to deal battle and deal with.

 

But to everyone else, they were the most communicative, caring, strongest, supportive relationship they knew.

 

And what could be more perfect than that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys!
> 
> hope y'all enjoy this, it's been sitting on my computer for ages and I finallyy finished!
> 
> please leave a kudos & comment if you enjoyed! Xx


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